that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen >> fox news alert on the sequester. just the word is so weird. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new scandal rocks the vatican. the holy water contains traces of horse meat. [ laughter ] then, a new way to reduce the number of guns. step one: get a gun. and my guest simon garfield has a new book about maps changing our view of the world. well, apple maps certainly took me to places i never imagined. southcuban president raul castrs he will retire in five years. don't believe him, coman in. this is "the colbert report". captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you. in here, out there, i want to say hello to all my friends in the studio tonight and some old friends watching from home. [cheers and applause] [laughter] folks -- if you

: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you. in here, out there, i want to say hello to all my friends in the studio tonight and some old friends watching from home. [cheers and applause] [laughter] folks -- if you watch this show, and we're on an honor's system here, i know there's one thing i'm don't -- i don't like about hollywood awarder sermon yours. it's when i'm not nominated. last night the oscars took top achievement in chapping my hide. last night there were hit and misses on the red carpet. jennifer lawrence radiant, jessica chastain, rav vashing but anne hathaway -- no! no! girl, if i want to see an oscar nominee and a pair of rock hard nipples, i'd watch hugh jackman work out with scott pelley. [laughter] [cheers and applause] as for the awards themselves, i don't know what to say. they had the gal to give our mernl -- gall to give our army oscars to a limey, a germy and -- [laughter] when it was the best award, was it presented by a movie star? no, it was presented by michelle obama followed by a piefl wrinkled laundry. [cheers and applause] [laugh

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